What Charlie Kirk’s Assassination Reveals About America’s Meanness

Is there any way back?

In the wake of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, I’ve seen an ugly roiling pit of infighting online.

For example, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen comments quoting Charlie Kirk, “I think it’s worth to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment to protect our other God-given rights. This is a prudent deal. It is rational.”

When a Democratic lawmaker and her husband were assassinated in June, I saw myriad comments from conservatives about how this was a few less libs to worry about, and sardonic two word responses, “Oh, shame.”

Not only did I see these comments often, they were usually the most upvoted comments in threads under articles, completely devoid of tact and empathy.

It feels like there’s been a sudden tilt towards mean and I’m not alone in that sentiment. A poll by Pew Research Center in March revealed that half of Americans believe people have become ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic.

How did we get here? And what can be done to change it?

When Americans Became So Callous

Depression and anxiety are on the rise. There are record low levels of marriage and increased numbers of voluntary celibates. Families are donating to charity at markedly lower rates than 20 years ago.

All of the macro level ingredients are there. We’ve had our attention hijacked by social media apps. We don’t participate in our community or spend time with friends like we used to.

Participation in church, boy scouts, girl scouts, YMCAs, and other community building organizations have dropped precipitously over the past two decades. And this all plays into this meanness, which is exacerbated online.

Context That Changed My View

I had the fortunate, but also unfortunate, experience of volunteering at a shelter for abused dogs. I learned something quite revealing about rescued fighting dogs.

To make these dogs meaner and more aggressive, they were often kept apart from each other — but not too far apart. They stayed on heavy chains, near a dog house, with the other dogs on chains with their own dog houses. They got little exercise, fun, or novelty in their day.

Pic via author

All the dogs are visible to each other, but not close enough to smell or interact with in real life.

This faux proximity increased hostility between the dogs, by design, to great and violent effect. The dogs didn’t become fully familiar with other dogs by sniffing them and having basic interactions. So, through instinct, they assumed the worst for their own survival.

Feel familiar?

At this moment, I can see so many people laying on their couches, sitting in their chairs, all around the country — feeling that same faux proximity, as they argue with people on the internet or feel deep judgement and condemnation towards other groups.

We are all just like those poor dogs, with the screens becoming those heavy chains.

We have this pesky bias towards negativity in communications. Moreover, it’s proven that if an objectively neutral message is sent to someone, that recipient tends to skew it more negative than actually intended. In business communication class, we reviewed this at length, and learned the importance of managing our messages in emails, and sometimes spinning those messages with some extra positivity just to hedge that risk of that miscommunication.

Additionally, the news media cultivates “The Scary World Syndrome”. It’s the public perception that the world is more dangerous than it actually is. This feeling is exacerbated through powerful incentives in the news media to cultivate feelings of fear and anxiety about one’s immediate security, place, and safety.

The digital skirmishes you witness are driven by these factors.

The Principal Problem You Have Online

One of the challenges with online communication is that you can be mean and say what you really feel without consequence.

I would remind you that — there is actually a consequence: You can ruin someone’s day. You can make them genuinely upset and hurt them.

That fact, in particular, should give you pause. And I genuinely hope it does — because that’s what empathy does for us. It reminds us of the impact of our actions and guides away from doing things we’ll regret. It also spares us from fruitless internet debates, and participation in digital mobs.

An Unexpected Source of Insight

The phrase “out of a mouth of babes” is often used as a biblical reference to unexpected wisdom coming from children. And you can find that simply by noticing how they interact.

One of the best (and often overlooked) things about play for children is that it quickly teaches them an array of social skills. For example, when boys are roughhousing with each other, one bigger boy might hear a smaller boy yelp in pain as they wrestle. He will see the scrunched up face of the other kid hurting and then back off. He’ll typically feel bad and realize he went too hard. Then, the next time they play, he’ll remember that he’s stronger than he realizes, and that he needs to go easier.

That push-pull dynamic teaches children how to treat each other. They learn that it doesn’t feel good for them either when they realize they’ve hurt someone. They see it with their eyes and feel it in their heart.

And perhaps that is really what adults need more of: recess.

Envision this other person on the playground with you as they read the message you are about to send. What will their face do when they see it? How will they feel? Will it contribute anything meaningful to this world? Or be a true agent of change?

What I’ve learned from many of these interactions is that people come into them with too many preconceived notions about each other. They go by what they’ve read in adversarial, overtly negative articles and news media. And use that as their starting point. Which is — in itself, flawed.

It’s as International Health professor, Dr. Hans Rosling wrote, “You cannot use the media if you want to understand the world.”

Being terminally online myself, I’ve realized that bullies are typically just trying to make themselves feel better. After all, if they thought they could genuinely change your mind, why would they insult you with ad hominem attacks, or churn up a mob to come after you?

Bullies typically pick on people who won’t hit them back and you can’t do that online. I’ve found that the only constructive thing to do in many cases is to mute or block these bullies.

This can be a tough pill to swallow — I get it. I’ve come to accept you can’t get closure on most of the upsetting comments directed at you.

My main point here is that slinging insults on the internet and participating in online tribalism, which includes celebrating the death of a slain political figure on any side, does nothing to improve this world. No amount of finger pointing will help address the problem. It just further entrenches people.

Before you send your next combative message online, I want you to envision a person sitting in front of another screen, and imagine their reaction to your message, and the effect it might have on them. Practice a bit of empathy.

Realize that you might be playing too rough on the playground.