The Real Reason Marriage Is Disappearing in America

Why living alone may not be the best option in the end.

Marriage rates have continued to decline with each decade, with a steady rise of one person households across the United States.

I see examples all through my daily life. I have a friend Robert, who has been single now for seven years. He’s serviceably handsome, has a good job, and is psychologically sound. And he has no desire to settle down anytime soon.

Yes, there are many people quite happy living alone. But at the broader scale, those people tend to be less happy than those who live with someone.

What’s Causing The Change

We can largely point to dramatic shifts among young d emographics.

People in their 20s and early 30s aren’t dating and mingling like they did in my younger years. Tinder and Bumble user engagement has gone through a steep decline, in part because they convey a perception of desperation with some, and largely, because the urge to go through the process has declined.

The malaise, aversion, and annoyance with dating apps is of particular curiosity to me, as I met my spouse on the ostensible hookup app: Tinder. I am a beneficiary of these apps and have long praised them.

But it’s hard to pin down a single reason for millions of people turning away from dating and marriage completely.

One thing I’ve observed, having been through the gauntlet of online dating, and known many who have — is that some people are too exhausted from it all. Despite the convenience of apps relative to prior dating methods, the process still requires enormous time, energy, and money. And if you aren’t feeling it, then why not skip out?

The current national rate of marriage is already floating near an all-time low. Which is revealed by data by the National Center for Marriage Research:

This is concerning at a macroeconomic level as well, as marriage rates are tied to better outcomes for children and families, generally speaking.

Which would make you think more people would aspire to such an endeavor.

Being a child of the 80s and 90s, I’ll attest that we saw the first generation where divorce didn’t feel taboo, and we (kids), all saw examples of bitter divorces. Perhaps many of us grew jaded with the prospect of it.

Bill Burr put it more humorously compa ring divorce rates with another pastime, “People, if you were going skydiving, and they told you half the parachutes weren’t going to open. You’d be like, screw that! I’m not going!”

The Historical Context

Marriage was once an institution that provided security — particularly to women, in a time when they had fewer career opportunities and they relied upon men for financial support and safety.

Additionally, increased access to birth control and contraceptives has changed the equation dramatically. Historically, it was commonly assumed that pregnancy tied two people together, and put imminent pressure on them to marry. Young people just aren’t getting pregnant as often.

Today, the odds of a man being married are directly correlated to his income (marriage rates are abysmal among lower income brackets). This isn’t to take a swipe at women, saying they only care about money. But more to point out they tend to be much less inclined to invest their lives in someone who isn’t bringing much to the table. When you juxtapose this with increasingly low rates of college education among men, and record low earnings from that same group, you have the recipe for a deep gender divide.

The big challenge is — young people have retreated into the digital world. Shocking numbers of men are now engaging in quasi-relationships with chatbots they pay for access to. There are countless stories, including one of a 28-year-old woman who was in love with ChatGPT, spending hours each day chatting and deepening their partnership.

This trend was particularly accelerated by the pandemic, which pushed us into smaller social circles, sending many people into a social media loop that has been hard to reemerge from. Consequently, people just aren’t playing ball like they used to.

The Big Idea

Women’s expectations are rising for what they see as marriage material. And while this happens, lower income males are seeing declining fortunes. The consequence is that the traditional perception of marriage in which men are the providers of financial security just doesn’t hold up for them either.

Men have recalibrated their lens to not take it as seriously. Many are seeing themselves as less necessary (whether that’s true or not), and thus are opting out as well.

The most troubling aspect is that declining fertility and marriage rates, along with rising unhappiness, has the throughline of social isolation. That, in and of itself, is an enormous driver of unhappiness and rising rates of depression and anxiety.

If people have high expectations and more resistance to long term relationships, and they aren’t even giving each other a chance, it doesn’t leave us in a good spot.

Where we go from here

I’ve just presented some scary and, perhaps, demoralizing data. Even as I uncovered it during research, I felt quite grateful to have found someone already.

The silver lining in this is that there’s tremendous potential in focusing on building your social wealth. This is defined as the value you get from interpersonal connections, networks, trust you hold with others. It’s the feeling that you can always call that friend when you are in need, or that you have people close by who you know care for you.

No, you don’t need to get married, or even live with a long-time partner, if you can still maintain robust and strong social connections. But I would say that aspiring to find a healthy and loving relationship is a very worthy goal. It is a powerful source of social wealth and provides great returns.

In spite of this unfortunate data, there are still millions of people out there looking for both love and companionship, and willing to step through the fire.

The converging social and romantic crises are problems of our own making, and ones we can still work to counteract.

I would encourage those of you seeing this to plan at least one social activity each week. For example, my spouse, who is my primary social contact, is out of the country right now for work. Each day, I try to get out of the house, and do something that involves interacting with others. I have at least one formal dinner or meetup planned each week. I know that, if I don’t interact with others, and if I sit here alone in this house, I will only get depressed.

The bottom line is that texting with friends is not the same as actual interaction. Yes, it is better than nothing, but it simply doesn’t add value to your social wealth in the same way that mutual steps into the daylight do. Consider signing up for a group fitness class, or taking up a hobby. My mother goes to pottery class each week and it is the highlight of her week.

I hope that you will remember this article this week, as you go about your day. Remember that our society is rife with a social and romantic isolation crisis, and you can play a part in counteracting that trend.

If you want to be happy, go make and be with friends. Or better yet, go fall in love.