I couldn’t have asked for a better boss.
Every day was sunny. She had a magnetic smile. I bragged to my friends about how cool she was. We got along and I thought things were going great.
We sat down for my annual review. I was expecting great marks and was even going to ask for a raise.
It was a scathing review. I was blindsided. Suddenly, there were all these problems with my performance. A trap door triggered and I was plunged into career quicksand.
She was never mean. She remained hauntingly cordial as she went down her long list.
My face felt hot with anger and was probably red. I calmed myself down and thought, “This lady is going to smile — rip out my heart, and hand it to me in a doggy bag.”
Why was she acting nice when she dad all these issues with me?
Why didn’t she tell me so I could correct these issues?
She epitomized toxic positivity. Perhaps she’d read one too many self-help books on seeing the bright side of life — and inadvertently became an incompetent manager.
I hate toxic self-help advice. Here are a few I see constantly.
Go nowhere mantras
We (humans) tend to have a harsh inner voice. It speaks to us like an unrelenting, critical, angry helicopter parent, who makes us feel like our whole life is a mistake.
Tony Robbins famously teaches mantras to counter this:
All I need is — within me now.
All the joy I need is within me now.
All the love I need is within me now.
They sound nice and have a poetic vibe. But they run headlong into actual facts. It’s already proven that someone with low self-esteem can’t have it improved by mantras for more than a few minutes.
I love you, Tony. But no.
One proven solution, that science actually supports, is to intercept self-talk and develop an awareness of it.
This is mindfulness in practice. It improves visibility of your inner dialogue, allowing you to identify the negativity and replace it with more constructive thoughts. Inner demons don’t like being seen. It causes them to retreat into the shadows.
Do what you love
I know many people in this world who have followed their passion.
They studied the thing they love. They stuck to the thing that brought them so much joy. And now they are dead broke and drowning in debt.
Any career choice should be done with a sense of gravity for how the world actually works.
I know a number of engineers who are deeply passionate about their work, and who only became passionate after being in the workforce.
I’m not saying we all need to be STEM gurus. Just begin with the end in mind.
I’ve already done two major career changes and I’m less than halfway through my career. One tacky phrase that I’ve always believed in is, “Two years from now, you’ll wish you started today.”
It’s what drove me to go back to school and invest in myself. It’s what drove me to start writing on the side.
The problem with the people proselytizing the value of following your passion is survivorship bias. They are the ones who made it.
For every successful artist who tells you to follow their path — you aren’t hearing from the ten moved on to other things, or stubbornly stayed on that path and are paying the price for it.
Stop caring what others think
Here’s the strange part.
People who rant about “not caring what others think” — are often not particularly nice in the first place. It’s an act of stubbornness, to justify their terrible behavior.
As an introvert, I get the intent. I’ve endured the scourge of self-consciousness. I arrive at parties and feel my social anxiety ramp up like a lawnmower in my brain.
For example, I’ve written for nearly a decade on open platforms, where any old Joe can comment. As you might imagine, I’ve seen lots of crazy antics, and things I’d have never predicted. I’ve also sat at an interesting touchpoint of society, seeing people from all walks, living at every high and low life has to offer. Publishing publicly puts you in the center of a river, with the flow of all humanity going by.
I have a general rule that I’m always open to criticism of my writing — so long as it remains respectful.
People struggle with that part in particular.
They give constructive criticism while throwing in name-calling and personal insults — like an unwanted seasoning on my word salad.
To the writers reading this — it’s a mistake to ignore your comment sections completely. I see this happening with writers who have highly combustible comment sections. There’s so much wisdom in hearing your readers out.
Not allowing yourself to actually feel
One of my favorite idioms is, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”
It is morbid humor — with the hypothetical speaker completely clueless that Mrs. Lincoln’s husband was just shot. Yet it speaks directly to the ham-handedness of toxic positivity that slathers the self-help industry. They say things like:
“Just cheer up.”
“Just remember the good things.”
The relationship equivalent is telling your wife to “Stop being so upset and calm down.”
University of Virginia psychology professor Dr. Daniel Wegner said, “If you’re really under stress, putting yourself in a good mood by thinking positive thoughts becomes not only difficult — in fact, it backfires, and you get the opposite of what you want.”
We are human beings, who are meant to feel things. We aren’t “broken” like some electronic device you call into support for.
One productive alternative to saying good things to yourself is to talk to a therapist, friend, or family member.
Just because we say something doesn’t make it so.
The (infantilizing) power of p*ssy
My friend gave me an enormously frustrating book.
It was about how women should weaponize sex as a bargaining chip to lord power over men and get what they want.
Ironically, the book was loaded with misogynistic undertones and was full of sweeping generalizations.
Men don’t commit. Women commit too soon.
Men like having sex. Women like romance.
It’s not that every page of the book was 100% false. I just squirm in my seat when people prescribe hard-and-fast dating rules to another person’s life.
It echoed this common adversarial view of relationships between men and women.
The book said men prey on emotions, so women sh ould prey on sex as a preemptive strike.
Tread very carefully when someone starts telling you to manipulate power dynamics in relationships — be it via sex, money, or the pacing of your intimacy.
It’s a deeply bitter way of approaching life.
The takeaway
Most of the popular toxic advice you see is rooted in some element of truth.
The confusing part, is that these tips are often valuable up until the 70% mark — but they often take it a leap too far. I’ve seen firsthand that hot takes, and being extreme gets clicks and keeps readers interested to see what crazy thing you might say next.
Yes, we are generally too hard on ourselves. Yes, we are usually more capable than we think. That doesn’t mean we should stifle the human experience of heartbreak, disappointment, and pretend feelings like grief aren’t valuable, or even useful for moving on. It doesn’t mean we should aim for unrealistic standards that were arbitrarily set by who knows.
Life is far too short to waste on toxic self-help advice that doesn’t actually help anyone.
I find it much easier to give advice than receive it. I suspect that’s normal…
This is terrific, good for you for calling out this bullshit. I wish there were more of this and I cringe when I see so many of these things you describe. I can't stand a lot of the banal, empty platitudes and I often want to clobber the person saying them!
The positive affirmations are a big one, of course, but I love your use of survivorship bias to point out the absurdity of follow your passion.
Are you familiar with the If Books Could Kill podcast? It's superb - the hosts tear apart so many of the big pop culture/self-help(ish) books, it's amusing and comforting.