How You Can Use the Reciprocity of Liking Effect To Build Better Friendships
Charisma’s evolutionary underpinnings are easy to use once you understand them.
The door opened and the energy of the room slammed into me. Smiling faces, buzzing laughter, the smell of warm food, all swirled together in a way that made the room more inviting. Clusters of people moved about, mingling, while enjoying good food and wine. Red and green lights cast a festive glow as Christmas music filtered through the room.
It was the annual christmas party at a wealthy neighbors home. More than 100 people filled the immaculate mansion. It was the owner’s chance to remind everyone of his flair and impeccable taste.
I stood in the living room, talking to a friend, when I heard a voice from behind me, “Sean!”
I turned and saw my friend, Brian, who I went to college with 20 years prior, and whom I hadn’t expected to see. He was on the other side of the room, beaming a big smile and holding his hands wide and upwards like he was dancing to the YMCA song.
“Sean!” he said again and came weaving through the crowd, and gave me a huge hug.
Even though this was surely a welcome and pleasant surprise that justified such exuberance, this was typical Brian. He was always the life of a party, giving cheerful smiles and radiating excitement to see everyone. If you could imagine a golden retriever as a person, this was him. Needless to say, he was well liked and people loved his company. Brian made you feel like you were the highlight of his day.
Whether it was through intuition, or just his natural inclination, which I think it was, Brian had tapped into a scientific concept that is extremely well studied, and which carries tremendous value— if we implement it.
Improving relationships one interaction at a time
Scientists have long studied the concept of “reciprocity of liking” , also called “the reciprocity effect”. It is observed across all demographics, ages, socioeconomic classes, and subdivisions you can think of in the human race.
Per psychology professor Dr. Mathew R. Montoya, “Extensive research demonstrates that receiving information that another is attracted to you is a powerful determinant of liking. Such reciprocal liking is generally considered to be one of the more reliable phenomena in social psychology.”
I’ll note, that in my years of research, I rarely come across such definitive and confident statement in an academic articles. Yet this insight seems almost too straight, forward, right? How could something so basic and so effective, be so overlooked?
The evolutionary roots of reciprocity of liking are logical and make sense. When we interact with people who like us, it minimizes our costs and maximizes our rewards. We aren’t coping with the emotional toll of being rejected or disliked. We don’t feel threatened. And we get to enjoy the presence of someone who provides us affirmation and comfort.
This is also a component of balance theory (the idea that we want cognitive consistency) which predicts reciprocal liking with people who have positive self-esteem. If we are around people who like us, and we also like ourselves, it provides a consistency of thought that is useful and welcome. And sadly, it also works with people who dislike themselves. This is, in part, why so many damaged people end up dating toxic and abusive partners, and why they allow employers to walk all over them.
But, as a general rule, expressions of positive emotions towards people tends to induce reciprocal liking.
Oddly enough, one person who comes to mind is actor and former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. His charisma is well known in the industry and often precedes him. If you’ve seen him interacting with people, he is always giving people huge greetings and smiling. He frames everything in a positive light.
During one debate, when a debater resorted to a personal attack, he smiled big and said, “I have the perfect part for you in my next Terminator movie.”
It’s hard not to like positive energy, even when there’s an edge to it.
When people were surveyed about what attracted them to their romantic partner, they often mention three things: attraction, personality, and the other person liking them back. It’s quite simple at its core.
To give you a counter example, on the worst date I ever went on, the woman I met immediately gave me a frigid vibe, seeming to hate the mere sight of me. She was actively disengaged from the conversation and not working with me on any aspect of the meetup. I left the date agitated and disliking her immensely, feeling disrespected and like my time had been wasted.
This was a perfect case of reciprocal disliking.
And despite these concepts feeling so obvious—they still aren’t used nearly to the effect they should be. My hope is that by understanding the underlying mechanics of reciprocal liking , more of you will go out into the world and improve your social relationships.
A few tips for integration
First, consider positive emotions that you can use to induce reciprocal liking. A few include, humor, excitement, awe, kindness, curiosity, compassion, empathy, confidence, and contentment.
So, for example, contentment can mean that you are conveying your comfort in another person’s presence. You can do this through your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact. You don’t shuffle your feet or seem anxious. Being relaxed lets them know that you trust them without saying a word.
Empathy can be expressed through listening and a simple interest in what someone is trying to express. To take it a step further, try to connect with the emotions they are conveying.
Humor also works fantastically well. To make an analogy, I always think of it like dogs at a dog park. When one dog approaches another and plants its chest to the ground while wagging its tail, that’s a signal it wants to play. And this is exactly what making jokes means in a social setting. Even if the joke isn’t great, it still sends good energy towards the other person, showing you want to have fun with them.
A few caveats
No, I’m not suggesting you should freak out with every new person you meet, and come off as disingenuous.
Think through each situation carefully. Always take the local culture into consideration. For example, in high context cultures (China, South Korea), such overt shows of emotion are not common and can be off-putting. You wouldn’t need to be so aggressive in conveying positive feelings. Conversely, if you come from a high context culture, where communication and body language is more subtle, you may have to dial it up a bit, especially if you are dealing with an American. Otherwise, you might risk under communicating your affection for someone and make them misunderstand you.
But even beyond international differences, every room is different. Each crowd has its own vibe. Always take the pulse.
Remember to start with the greeting
One way to embrace this initial burst of exuberance is to see it as an opening present.
In fact, the Greek translation for charisma is gift, or favor that is bestowed upon someone. The term was used in supernatural contexts, as if it’s an inexplicable ability given by god to his chosen. But beyond religion and philosophy — thinking of charisma as a gift you give, is a healthy starting point towards building reciprocal liking.
Charisma is often an expression of calm confidence, positivity, curiosity about others in the world, and is shown through your character. It doesn’t come off as contrived or as desperation for attention.
Sometimes — all you need to do is be an attentive and proactive listener. The best listener I ever met was a therapist I saw years ago. She had a ton of practice listening, and it showed. Anytime I talked, she made me feel like the only person in the world, and I felt compelled to open up to her, in a way that I never had with anyone else. Her friendly calm demeanor, eye contact, empathy, and demonstrating she was listening by making comments and asking follow up questions, made me feel heard and understood. This alone can do so much to bridge divides with someone.
A final thought to carry forward
Having lived all over the country, and outside of it, I’ve learned most people have more in common than they realize — and that our basic needs are all generally the same. People want to live long, healthy lives. They want to be accepted and liked for who they are.
Even in rooms where I didn’t speak the same language, just the mere expression of positivity and limited dialogue that conveys good energy, has worked wonders to help me fit in.
Very often, just acknowledging someone and showing enthusiasm to see them goes quite far in making a good impression. Most of us don’t walk into a room and immediately dislike everyone. We are all starting from the same point of insecurity.
Above all, don’t assume the worst in people. Remember the good things humanity brings. Spread some positive energy into this world, and I’ll bet you some of it will come back. You can start by being excited to see someone.